This Is My Story

So, I woke up yesterday with a terrible headache. Maybe it was because of the heat, maybe I ate dinner too late the night before, or maybe subconsciously I knew I had to be up early for my appointment with "the bad doctor." Yup, I had my annual exam. No big deal -- been going for about 15 years now, but it's nobody's favorite way to start the day. So, I went in, and of course there are two preggo girls in the waiting room. I'm sure they were there for ultrasounds and "baby talk" with the doctor. What I wouldn't have given to get to talk about how much I'm puking every morning or why my new pants don't fit anymore.
Anyway, I made it through, and by the time I got to work, my head was splitting so badly it made me nauseous. When I told the guy next to me how awful I was feeling, he whispered, "Maybe you're pregnant." Dude, if you only knew.
I haven't totally given up on it, but I don't really expect us to conceive on our own. My husband, Mike, is a cancer survivor and his past cancer treatments have left him infertile. Fortunately, five years ago when he was first diagnosed, he was advised to bank his sperm for future use. Thank God we listened. Two "deposits" yielded 13 vials of sperm -- not enough for IUIs, but plenty for IVF. So, in the spring of 2007, we finally gave IVF a try. No luck. Just as we were getting ready for our first frozen embryo transfer, Mike was diagnosed with a recurrence of his cancer. That became our big battle last summer. Once Mike was finished with treatments and doing very well, we went ahead with our FET this past spring. We really thought this would be it, but it failed again. Now, we're in limbo as we wait for Mike to get a new job that has insurance coverage for IVF. There's no way we could ever afford to do it on our own.
This is where we stand -- one frozen embie and 12 vials of sperm just waiting for us. The storage bills are already coming in. Mike jokes that the kids aren't even here yet and they're already costing us money. He thinks for all the money we're paying, we should at least get visitation. We could just drop by the clinic on weekends and holidays and tell them we'd like to see our stuff. They'd lock us up for sure....
Even if nobody but me reads this blog, it's important for me to write about my experiences. Mike and I have another blog that we keep for family and friends to let them know what's going on in our lives, but I'm careful to keep this part of my life separate. I don't think anyone's interested in when I ovulate. So, this blog is for me. I'm going to keep it as honest and real as possible. That's the best kind of writing.
I've watched my friends and family members get pregnant with ease, and I try to hide my envy. Yes, I'm happy for them, but I only wish I could share their joy. I wonder what it must be like to make love to your spouse knowing you might be creating life. How wonderful that must be. Don't misunderstand -- I'm so very grateful. I know that we are where we are because saving Mike's life was a priority over anything else. I know I'd rather be married and barren than be a widowed mother. Mike is my whole life, and I know he wants a family as much as I do. I do believe God has a plan for us. I sometimes get angry that His ways don't always make sense to me, but I know that doesn't mean He isn't with us. That's something I struggle with, but I'm doing my best.