Faking It

Yeah, I fake it. I fake it all the time. I wouldn't want to hurt someone's feelings, after all. Why should they feel badly just because I'm not getting the good stuff?

OK, now get your mind out of the gutter. I don't fake that. I fake acting like "it's just a matter of time" and the whole pregnancy thing is "gonna happen for us." I fake that it doesn't bother me and that it's not a big deal. (I do believe it will happen for us, by the way, but I hit a bad mood in the last hour, so I'm gonna ride the pity wave a bit and see where it takes me.)

Yesterday was our niece's fourth birthday party. She was so sweet and cute opening her gifts (then fighting over them with her two-year-old sister) and playing in her pool with the cousins. But that darn feeling began to gnaw at me again. How much longer until it's our turn? My sister-in-law (the kids' mother) and I talked a bit about the whole thing. She's always checking in on our progress and she sincerely hopes for our success. She shared stories of friends who have gone through this, one even ending up with triplet boys. It gives me hope, yet I still have to bury that "well that's fine for them but it'll never be me" feeling. Overall, the day was enjoyable and I don't have a problem hanging out with the kids. They're family, and it's not difficult for me to be around them. I just wish I could add another cousin/niece/nephew/grandchild to that kiddie pool.

When I got home from work a couple hours ago, something put me into my "I hate the world and everybody in it" mood. It was nothing specific that set it in motion, but it got me going good. Just to torture myself even more, I listened to the Kellie Coffey song on my playlist. Maybe I figured it would force out of me whatever was nagging. I think it made things worse. Luckily Playlist.com went down before I could hear "Baby Mine."

I wanted my second blog post to be uplifting, funny or light, but that's not where I'm at right now. In the interests of "keepin' it real," I'm decided to keep on my pouty face and write what was on my mind. That's what a blog is for, isn't it?

Overall, I'm an optimist by nature. I always think anything good can and will happen. When I hear on the news about missing hikers, I'm sure they'll be found alive and well by sundown. If someone's sick, I'm sure either some medicine -- or some miracle -- will come to save them. When my Mets are down by four runs and are down to their last strike, I still think they're just a few dramatic base hits away from victory. And I'm sure that even though we've tried twice for a baby and failed, our miracle is out there somewhere, someday.

But, on this day, I just don't feel it.