One Year Later

I have been gone a long time. I have avoided this blog for months because of what I need to write about, but simply can't seem to start. In less than half an hour, it will be October 14 -- exactly one year since I lost Mike. How is that in any way possible? It feels like one week. My heart aches as much for him now as it did the day he slipped away from me. I feel like tomorrow he will die again, and this time I know it's coming and can't do a damn thing to stop it. I want to grab at him and keep him here with me. Another part of me almost feels like come tomorrow he will somehow be returned to me. This was all a big mistake, after all. He'd never leave me here alone for this long. I'm terrified of tomorrow. I'm also terrified of the day after tomorrow. What then? For nearly a year I feel like I've been on a sort of reverse parole -- I was given leeway and a grace period to feel and act however I needed to in order to get through each day. After tomorrow, I fear, I will be expected to behave "better." Can't I just wake up tomorrow to find this all has been a horrible nightmare? 365 days of hell is long enough.