The Making of a Mommy: Peace

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Peace

Mike passed away on the afternoon of Friday, October 14.
I can't even believe I just typed those words.
My only comforts are knowing he is no longer suffering, and that his final concerns were to make sure his family, and me in particular, would go on and find joy in life again. I can't imagine that happening, but I am willing to try, only for him.

13 comments:

Caroline said...: Lauren,

I have been thinking of you every day. I am so sorry for your loss. Mike sounds like an amazing man and husband. My thoughts are with you and your family.
Caroline x; October 23, 2011 at 10:25 PM
tireegal68 said...: I read about you on LFCA. I'm so sorry about your husband. I've been reading your blog and some of your story. It sounds like you were such a comfort to Mike and so steadfast by his side. Sending prayers for you and him. You must be deeply exhausted and grieving profoundly. I know you probably have no idea how you are going to go on without him, but I pray that you find a way and I pray for peace and strength for you.; October 23, 2011 at 11:05 PM
Jenn said...: Oh Lauren, my heart aches for you. I cannot imagine how you must be feeling. I have continued to follow your blog but didn't always post although I have kept both you and Mike in my prayers. Mike is now your angel, watching over and protecting you. I will continue to pray that God hold you close and comfort you.
With love,
Jenn; October 24, 2011 at 12:12 PM
Anonymous said...: Oh, my Gd. I am so sorry. This is not fair. I wish there was something I could say, but I know there isn't. Prayers for you all.; October 24, 2011 at 2:00 PM
Kelly said...: I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. I wish there were better words to offer.; October 24, 2011 at 2:15 PM
Sunny said...: I am visiting from LFCA. Sending my deepest condolences on the loss of your husband, as well as prayers for peace and strength as you grieve such a loss.; October 24, 2011 at 2:41 PM
Cindy said...: My God, I am so very sorry to read of your loss. Know that you will be in my heart and prayers.; October 24, 2011 at 7:18 PM
Nikki said...: Lauren - I can't even begin to express how sorry I am. My heart goes out to you and your family. Mike was an amazing man, and we are all lucky to have been influenced and touched by his life.

Know that we are all there for you. Please take care of yourself and lean on us when you need to.

Praying for you to find peace and strength.

Much love,
N; October 25, 2011 at 6:43 PM
~stinkb0mb~ said...: i'm so very very sorry. i know nothing i say will take away the pain or heartache but just know that there are people out there thinking of you.

xxx; October 25, 2011 at 6:54 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Lauren:

I want you to know that our prayers are with you and your family during this time. I found your blog during one of my many searches. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope that knowing he is no longer in pain and in the arms of God now will make it less painful. We will be thinking of you. - Victoria and David; October 29, 2011 at 1:54 AM
Bea said...: I don't really know you, but I heard your news at LFCA and I'm so sorry to hear it. I am wishing you strength.

Bea; November 1, 2011 at 10:07 AM
Mel said...: Stopping-by via Nity's blog and sending HUGE hugs. I wish I had words that could take away some of the heartache that I'm sure you are consumed by right now, my dear Lauren. Know that God holds you in his arms...and has promised that he will consume you with His perfect peace.

In my thoughts and prayers.; November 2, 2011 at 1:05 PM
Reese said...: I am so sorry for your loss. Life can take you to some terrible places. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you navigate through this painful time.; November 5, 2011 at 2:30 AM

Where We've Been....

July 2001 -- Mike and I start dating (a long-distance relationship with 4.5 hours between us -- lots of weekend driving).
February 2003 -- Mike is diagnosed with lymphoma. He banks his sperm twice before beginning chemo, radiation, and having a bone-marrow transplant (he has 13 vials). He spends over a year recovering and rebuilding his strength and immune system.
December 2003 -- Mike proposes and we get engaged!
November 2004 -- We get married, and shortly thereafter I move the 4.5 hours to be with him -- no more long-distance romance!
September 2006 -- Mike is diagnosed with a recurrence of his cancer and begins several months of radiation treatment. Three weeks after getting the cancer news, we are blessed with a phone call from a relative saying we can begin our search for an IVF clinic -- the attempt will be taken care of, free of charge.
December 2006 -- we have our first consultation with our RE, and she recommends IVF over IUI, due to our limited sperm supply.
April/May 2007 -- We plunge into our first IVF attempt, but it does not work. We are left with five frozen embies, in addition to 12 vials of sperm.
June 2007 -- I am just weeks away from starting estrace to prepare for a frozen embryo transfer when we find out Mike has another recurrence of cancer.
July 2007 -- Mike begins chemo, which continues until September.
November 2007 -- Mike returns to work!
March 2008 -- We're ready to try the FET! I begin estrace and monitoring.
April 2008 -- We transfer two embies, but again it does not work.
Summer 2008 - Fall 2011 -- We took a break until we could get health insurance that covers IVF, but more importantly until Mike tried to beat yet more cancer recurrences.
October 14, 2011 -- My world is shattered when Mike succumbs to cancer.
Present -- Trying to learn how to live without my best friend and lover. Trying to figure out what kind of future I can possibly have. Trying to decide if I will/can ever fulfill my dream of having a child.