Killing Time

Things have been up and down during the last couple weeks. My anxiety about things has gotten a little better, and I've been enjoying the nice summer weather with lots of beach time. But still not having any kind of concrete plan in place for another IVF cycle is getting the better of me. Each day I trudge off to a job I don't particularly like (but am still grateful to have), come home to spend time on the computer or watch TV, do some odds and ends around the house, then go to bed for the day. Each day isn't much different from the day before. My life feels like "Groundhog Day." I know I can't complain about the mundane too much -- in my life, dull and routine is always preferred to our all-too-familiar stressful and uncertain spells. Mike and I have re-opened the IVF dialogue in the past couple nights. I just want to know what he's thinking, and what his expectations are for our future. I know he wants what I want, but does he want it as urgently as I want it? Each day I feel like I'm killing time until the life I've been dreaming of finally arrives.

Our main stumbling block to IVF is financial. I'm still awaiting an answer to my appeal e-mail to my employer. In the meantime, I'm also not holding out much hope that it will do any good. So, that means we have to have a plan B. Our thoughts for plan B are all complicated by the fact that Mike and I have been on the Dave Ramsey "Total Money Makeover" plan for the past couple years, and we're trying to get debt-free. Adding a fertility treatment loan would only compound our debt, and simply saving towards IVF would not only keep the rest of our debt at its current level, but it would also mean waiting a considerable amount of time before we could save enough for a cycle. What's a broke girl to do?

Mike has already told me that he is willing to go further into debt for the chance at having a baby, and for that I love him. It's the one thing we both agree is worth going into debt for. He told me a little while ago that he would give me a baby tomorrow if he could. I just love that man. The other day, after we got home from his nephew's Christening, he said to me, "Are you finding it harder and harder to be around other people's kids?" It's little statements like that which remind me that I'm not the only one who aches for a child.

Thought for the day: I heard a stat the other day that at any given time, there are 3.4 million pregnant women in the U.S. Doesn't sound like such an exclusive, elusive group when you hear it in those numbers, does it?