The Making of a Mommy: Getting Harder

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Getting Harder

For a while I've felt the need to get more in touch with my faith. So, for the past month I've been going to a women's bible study at a church we found in the spring. Mike and I have also been making more of an effort to get to Sunday services. We have really been looking for a contemporary home church with a diverse group of people, and especially a lot of young couples. Unfortunately, with young couples come children and babies. At today's service, we were treated to a baby dedication. This couple brought up their adorable boy/girl twins and the pastor did the little introduction and brief prayer ceremony. I don't know what came over me, but I just got welled up with tears and they started streaming down my face. Normally, there wouldn't really be anything about such an event that would set me off, but today it just affected me in a way I never expected. I looked at the beautiful family and felt so shut out. I wondered if that would ever be us up there, and I just felt so hopeless and empty. Seeing people with their children is just getting harder and harder. I know right now my 100% focus should be Mike's impending hospitalization and transplant, but I still manage to keep getting poked in the ribs with this baby business.

4 comments:

Nikki said...: I'm sorry Lauren! IF is so hard as it is, and getting blindsided like that just makes it so much harder. I had a similar situation on Friday night. We were at a friend's place, and out of the blue I was told one of the other guests there was pregnant. I could barely mutter congrats, proceeded to have 2 quick glasses of wine and kept shut for the rest of the evening.

I hope you find your church soon, and I hope you find some peace too. Good luck with Mike's transplant and treatment. I'm praying for his health and your strength.

Hugs to you.; November 24, 2008 at 1:25 AM
Anonymous said...: Girl, I know what you mean. Our church has a baby dedication EVERY Sunday at EVERY service(there are 3)so no matter what we are greeted with exactly what you are talking about. There have been many a sunday when I've watched with tears streaming down. I just try to think...one day that will be us standing up there.; November 24, 2008 at 12:03 PM
Nichole said...: Going to church is VERY difficult for me as well. It seems like every time we go there is something baby/pregnancy related. It just seems like a total slap in the face.

Hang in there!; November 24, 2008 at 1:59 PM
heavenlytini said...: i know how you feel just when you think you've forgotten a little something happens and reminds you so hard of what you want. im praying for you and mike's upcoming transplant God has a great plan for you guys health and a family with babies!!!; November 29, 2008 at 1:55 PM

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Where We've Been....

July 2001 -- Mike and I start dating (a long-distance relationship with 4.5 hours between us -- lots of weekend driving).
February 2003 -- Mike is diagnosed with lymphoma. He banks his sperm twice before beginning chemo, radiation, and having a bone-marrow transplant (he has 13 vials). He spends over a year recovering and rebuilding his strength and immune system.
December 2003 -- Mike proposes and we get engaged!
November 2004 -- We get married, and shortly thereafter I move the 4.5 hours to be with him -- no more long-distance romance!
September 2006 -- Mike is diagnosed with a recurrence of his cancer and begins several months of radiation treatment. Three weeks after getting the cancer news, we are blessed with a phone call from a relative saying we can begin our search for an IVF clinic -- the attempt will be taken care of, free of charge.
December 2006 -- we have our first consultation with our RE, and she recommends IVF over IUI, due to our limited sperm supply.
April/May 2007 -- We plunge into our first IVF attempt, but it does not work. We are left with five frozen embies, in addition to 12 vials of sperm.
June 2007 -- I am just weeks away from starting estrace to prepare for a frozen embryo transfer when we find out Mike has another recurrence of cancer.
July 2007 -- Mike begins chemo, which continues until September.
November 2007 -- Mike returns to work!
March 2008 -- We're ready to try the FET! I begin estrace and monitoring.
April 2008 -- We transfer two embies, but again it does not work.
Summer 2008 - Fall 2011 -- We took a break until we could get health insurance that covers IVF, but more importantly until Mike tried to beat yet more cancer recurrences.
October 14, 2011 -- My world is shattered when Mike succumbs to cancer.
Present -- Trying to learn how to live without my best friend and lover. Trying to figure out what kind of future I can possibly have. Trying to decide if I will/can ever fulfill my dream of having a child.