Today Mike went for an acupuncture appointment, which he really needed since he pulled some back/shoulder muscles on July 4 weekend. The acu/massage also helps treat the leukemia. All was going well until he got up from being face down on the table, and noticed some blood coming from his nose. It wasn't pouring out, but the sight of it shocked and scared him. He already knew that his platelets were dropping last week (probably disease-related), and by starting chemo they would probably drop some more, but it was still a jolt. All day he's been haunted by this. He called one of his nurses and she said that he should be fine as long as the blood wasn't gushing, or he didn't have any other symptoms. Plus, he has a checkup tomorrow anyway. But, thus goes the mind games of cancer.
Add to that the fact that one of our friends just found out she was pregnant -- a surprise pregnancy for her. We are happy for her, as she and her husband have gone through infertility, and had resigned themselves to the notion that their son (conceived through IUI) would be an only child. Still, not the news we really want to hear while we're going through hell.
Another friend (also an infertility grad with a son and daughter conceived through IVF with donor eggs) recently found out she was pregnant with a surprise baby. Last week, just before Mike called to tell me that his platelets were dropping, she texted me with the message, "It's a girl!"
I'm sorry if I'm just not jumping for joy. I know I shouldn't be envious, but our crap just piles higher and higher while everyone else gets their blessings.
If anyone knows the magic words to getting their prayers answered, please let me know.
P.S. I have set up an e-mail address specifically for this blog, so anyone who wants to e-mail me privately can do so. That address is: makingofamommy@yahoo.com
4 comments:
I'm so sorry to hear what you and Mike are going through. It is such an ordeal and you have been going through it for such a long time now.
Although I can't say that I have ever had the trials that you have, I've been feeling very down lately too. We just got a BFN on our last IVF cycle, and that was the day our friend chose to come and tell me about her surprise pregnancy. My husband is also about to deploy overseas so things just suck right now for us too!
I have been keeping it together but I cried for about 6 hours yesterday.
I just say take it day by day and be kind to yourself.
I've ordered the cleaner this week so I don't have to clean the house. And I'm thinking to get a massage in too. I hope you can do something nice just for you.
Hugs, friend.
Caroline xx
I just want to assure you that this is exactly what happens when you're growing in faith. Things pop up that plays "mind games" and in a sense mock our sense of belief.
It happens to all of us.
What I do is either say it to myself or out loud, something to the effect of - "though I'm seeing this and feeling that, I know I am already healed, so I plead the blood of Jesus over my life for my wholeness and protection."
If a bad thought comes up, I say " I plead the blood of Jesus over the source of this thought."
The thought will come again, but keep doing it. It becomes less frequent, until it stops.
But since it's a spiritual battle, other thoughts will come up. You just have to stay firm, say it, believe it and continue your day.
Hope it helps. Hope DH is doing well.
God Bless,
Anna
Daily Devotional - Gen 15:8-9
Guaranteed By Covenant
Are you discouraged because a breakthrough that you have been praying for has yet to manifest? Maybe it has been days or even weeks and you are asking, "How will I know that I will get it?" Abraham faced that same situation and asked God the same question. And God answered, "Bring Me a three-year-old heifer, a three-year-old female goat, a three-year-old ram, a turtledove, and a young pigeon." What a strange answer!
But if you read on (Genesis 15:10-21), you will realize that God took Abraham's question very seriously, and went on to show him just how serious He was about being his provider, protector and prosperity-giver. God was so serious that He was willing to bind Himself to a COVENANT.
What is a covenant? It is like a contract. Yet, it is more than a contract. A contract is binding only for a period of time, like five years or seven years, or until certain terms are fulfilled. But a covenant is perpetual. It is permanent. The only way out is through death. That is why marriage is a covenant, not a contract. It is permanent - "Till death do us part."
In Bible times, when you cut a covenant with someone, you bring an animal, usually a ram or goat, and kill it by cutting it in two. Next, you will face your covenant partner and walk toward each other between the two pieces of the animal, passing each other in the center.
What all this means is that both parties are obligated to protect and provide for each other. Whatever belongs to you is your partner's and whatever belongs to your partner is yours. Of course, the one who benefits is the lesser or poorer party.
Today, God is in covenant with us. We are the lesser, poorer party. We have nothing to offer God. But God, the richest and most powerful being in the universe, has everything to offer us!
My friend, God has bound Himself to a covenant, an iron-clad guarantee of His blessings and provision in your life, and it is all for your benefit. The breakthrough you are waiting for is guaranteed by covenant!
So my prayer for both you and DH is that in-spite of what symptoms you might be feeling or seeing with the natural eye- to continue to trust and believe that you are already healed.
Thank God you are bound by an unbreakable covenant with Him, and as the lesser party privy to all that He has. And in him there are no sicknesses or diseases.
Lay claim to all that He is, all that you are in him every day.
Continue your daily communion, and know that you are already healed. Christ declared it so, and it is finished.
God Bless,
A.
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