On Second Thought.....

I got my period over the weekend. I didn't call the new RE.
After chomping at the bit for so long, just aching to get back into the whole IVF process at some level, I had a little revelation that I'm prioritizing the wrong thing.
For the past seven-and-a-half years, Mike's cancer has controlled every major decision we have made. It has dictated where we live, what jobs we keep or pursue, what social functions we can and cannot attend, it has affected our finances and our debt, and yes, it has obviously controlled how, when and if we have children. Although we're trying to finally break free from the bondage of cancer, we can't loosen the chains. Our faith and fear are at war.
Mike and I are Christians. Sometimes I think Mike's got it all figured out, while I wonder just how strong my beliefs really are. From the time Mike got saved in 1991 up until the present, there have been events in his life that have made us believe that he is here for a great purpose, and that purpose is not to die of cancer. Other people of faith have spoken prophetic words over his life, and Mike has had his own experiences, for which the only explanation is divine in nature. The bottom line is we believe God has spoken healing over Mike's life. We hold onto this because we have nothing else.
Since Mike's negative bone-marrow biopsy results in May, the doctors have not found any active cancer in his body. Mike has not had any chemo treatments since before we left for our cruise in July. Since then, we have been gently reminded by his oncologist of the nature of his lymphoma, that it can hide and that it often comes back fast and furiously with a recurrence. However, Mike's case has never been typical. The protocol for acute lymphoblastic lymphoma (ALL) is always chemo followed by a bone-marrow transplant, as chemo alone is not the cure in their experience. Since Mike's cancer returned after his second bone-marrow transplant, they don't feel a "cure" is to be. So, he had been on a sort of maintenance chemo regimen to keep the cancer under control, for as long as it works.
Back to our faith, the things that we believe have been spoken over Mike's life have sustained us and have kept us from falling apart. I've clung to the belief in Mike's healing, even when logic and medical "experts" have indicated otherwise. I know that without this belief, I would not have survived his flu/pneumonia hospitalization in January. I probably would have thought the end was coming right there in the intensive care unit. But I latched onto a promise that was given to us.
All that said, a simple doctor visit can bring back all the doubt and fear. On Friday, Mike had his usual checkup and, just as they have for the past few months, things looked great. His blood work was stellar. But before we could celebrate the good news, Mike's doctor reminded him once again that this cancer will likely return -- with or without chemo. That's just the way ALL behaves, she says. She again said she'd like Mike to return to chemo, to stay ahead of any cancer that is likely on its way back, and to keep it from returning with gusto. He said he'd have to think about it.
Since Friday, Mike's mind has been full of thoughts. I know when something is weighing on his mind. All our faith, all our belief in what we know God has told us is being tested. Maybe this is just spiritual warfare, a true battle of good versus evil, and we have to take a side. But this is one choice we can't afford to be wrong about.
We are still believing that Mike is healed. If God can't lie, and He said Mike is healed, then it is so. So why is it so hard to accept that after nearly eight years and more chemo and radiation than any human should have to endure, that the cancer is finally defeated? It is this tornado of thoughts that has me re-thinking moving forward with my IVF testing. Even if we keep telling ourselves Mike is healed, until we BELIEVE it and can confidently turn our backs on a Dartmouth-trained doctor's strong recommendation, then I cannot put my focus back on my desire for a child. I have to make a choice -- accept that Mike is healed and move on, or continue to seek confirmation from the Lord. Over the weekend, I realized that I still need reassurance. My faith is too weak.